This post with Skype Chat is *almost* as good as my late night chat with Sarah The PayPal Chat Robot.

My good buddy, Ryan Farley the genius developer, picked out this quote from the same article.

Here’s the perfect example of this in real life…

Tuesday

For at least a month (maybe longer), ARMLS had been warning realtors that a new login screen was coming.  The main difference?  Your username and password would no longer be saved in the two fields. That’s it.  Simple, right?

Wrong!

One day after the rollout…

Wednesday

“Uhh…”

Friday

“Oops.”

Guess the phones were REALLY ringing off the hook.  Classic!!

(And yeah, I’ve been in projects that had to go back.  But as I like to say, some mistakes are too important not to make.)

Hat tip to my buddy Adam for emailing this over to me.  Thumbs up homey!

While signing up with Apple to distribute content through iTunes, I found myself facing a tough decision. (I thought all those other places were in the world?)

Next one needs no caption. Hehe.

It was a fantastic class.  I especially appreciated learning about the physiological differences between men’s and women’s brains. (At lunch Michele and I talked about how this might relate to Skip Moen’s, The Scriptural Role of the ‘ezer.)

Our homework assignment was to write copy for one of the four “buying modalities” that she discusses in her book.  (I blogged about buying modalities in my post, Why the First 30 Seconds at Mint.com are Way Better than the First 30 Seconds at Your Website.)  I chose to write this text for the “Spontaneous” modality, mostly because I don’t feel like I write very well for that modality.

Spontaneous is characterized by words like “flamboyant”, “unpredictable”, “unconventional”, “free-spirited”, “dynamic”…greatest fear = “boredom”.

Here’s my first take, which was created the last 2 minutes of my morning shower, plus another 5 while dripping wet:

You mean you’ve already done the work for me?

We know you love adventure, romance, galavanting around Italy shooting bad guys and blowing up evil lairs with your secret agent lover.

But Vitamins? ugh…Boring!!!

And yet you know, know, know that you need em, need em, need em!!

Well our expert team of agents at Jigsaw Health has meticulously pieced together the exact combination of nutrients you need every day into one product — Jigsaw Complete.

And with our handy packets, you’ll be out the door in minutes when you get that assignment in France.

So don’t put this quick purchase off another minute! There’s no commitments or contracts. Just a simple phone call to our agents at 1-800-007-0077 or order online at our secure, secret portal, jigsaw007.com. That’s 1-800-007-0077 or jigsaw007.com.

And don’t worry, your secret is safe with us.

The class got a kick out of me commercializing it up with sound effects, etc.  And to be honest, I spent more time on the explosion sound than the copy.  But that’s just how I roll.  (Sorry Michele.)

And then Michele and the other students got all editweapony on me!  Maistro, play Take 2:

(Changes bolded)

Your life is all action!

We know you love adventure, romance, galavanting around Italy shooting bad guys and blowing up evil hideouts with your secret agent lover.

But Vitamins? ugh…Boring!!!

And yet you know, know, know that you need em, need em, need em!!

Our cracker jack team of agents at Jigsaw Health has meticulously pieced together the exact combination of nutrients you need every day into one product — Jigsaw Complete.

And with our grab-and-go packets, you’ll be out the door in minutes when you get that assignment in Istanbul.

Don’t put this purchase off another minute! There’s no commitments or contracts. Your next assignment, should you choose to accept, is to go to jigsaw007.com

Not bad, eh?

Btw, I threw together this “secret agent” landing page for jigsaw007.com.  And I might just actually have this spot produced professionally (or at least, more professionally) and then buy some space.  What the hell…stranger things have happened.

Let me know what you think by leaving a comment.  Or just buy Jigsaw Complete and use the 007 coupon code for $10 off so I can see if it really worked.

Thanks to the members of the Pokey Little Pup-inators class for a great 2 days. =)

===========
Click here to follow @editweapon on Twitter.

Don’t click here to follow @zappos on Twitter.
===========

Tony is the CEO of Zappos.
Tony is a nice guy.
Tony is very popular on Twitter.
Please stop following Tony.

(Is that haiku? It seems haiku-ey…)

Background:

I’ve been hanging out with Tony this weekend at Yanik Silver’s Underground Marketing conference. It’s sort of annoying being his groupie when I’m seriously such a big deal myself (Weezer tribute band people! http://myspace.com/budweezertime), but I’ve had worse jobs.

He flew out to DC on the same day that I did, so I sent him a tweet about getting a beer. Tony remembered me from April 2008 when I thanked him for sending me a $100 Zappos gift certificate after I won an impromptu contest og his. I paid it forward a few weeks later with my 6 Words Twitter story contest.

More about that here, here, and here:
- “Thanks Tony” outtakes video
- Contest idea hatched…
- Contest winners voted upon (out of 200+ entries)

Good times *continuing* to be had by all. =)
===========
Click here to follow @editweapon on Twitter.

Don’t click here to follow @zappos on Twitter.

From: "Patrick Sullivan Jr."
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 2009 07:00:00 -0700
To: "Roy H. Williams"
Cc: Karin Sullivan
Conversation: How about a reply?
Subject: How about a reply?

Roy,

I went to Wizards of Web and brought 5 people from my company with me.  I brought Skip Moen to Advanced Thought Particles.  I brought my sister Karin to Davinci’s 40 Answers.  I sent Karin and Rebecca Theaumont to Magical Worlds.  I’ve forwarded your MMM to hundreds.  I’ve blogged about you.  I’ve quoted you.  I remixed a new version of “Windmills of Your Mind” for you.  I’ve hired Jeffrey, Bryan, Tim, Jeff, and almost Michele but she was too busy.  (Isn’t she always.)

You made me an honorary member of the Worthless Bastards club at Davinci, but……………you’ve never replied to any of the emails that I sent you over the years.

Why?

You’ve had an un-effing-believable impact on me (start the rabbit hole at Hello World ), my businesses, my friends, and my family.  (You’ve now blown the doors off Karin’s car — see attached).

I don’t want to be trophied in the rabbit hole.  I’m not looking for a pat on the back.  I just want to know that YOU know the impact that you’ve had on me.  I can’t figure out why you’ve never bothered to respond back to me.

Patrick

# # # #

Patrick,

You ask why I don’t respond to your emails.

Sigh.

Please know that you’re not being singled out for exclusion.

I don’t answer my telephone.
I don’t answer my front door.
I don’t send thank-you cards.
I rarely buy birthday gifts and
I never read the newspaper.

All these things are true.

My own business partners know better than to expect me to respond to their email questions.

I am a horrible dinner companion.

In short, I am socially absent.

Yet people ask, “When do you find the time to do all your writing?”

Patrick, I’ve learned that to answer an email is to begin a dialogue. The recipient believes that he/she can reasonably expect to “bounce things off you” whenever they want your opinion. After all, not to respond to them would be rude, would it not?

My friend Tom Grimes sends me dozens of long, fascinating emails that I read with pleasure. Tom knows that I cannot, will not, dare not take the time to answer him. Yet Tom likes me anyway. A true friend.

Thomas Mann once wrote, "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." Mann’s statement is true. I’ve already spent 47 minutes on this response to you and will likely spend another 20 to 30 minutes before I hit the SEND button.

You, Patrick, do not suffer from my disease. I cannot put words casually into print. I speak recklessly. It’s one of my most glaring faults. Yet I write more carefully than anyone I’ve ever known. I cannot do otherwise.

“Easy reading is damned hard writing.” – Nigel Hawthorne

One of my favorite writers is Neal Stephenson. My simpatico with Neal is such that I was once tempted to write him an email. Upon visiting his website, I found a well-written warning and smiled a bittersweet smile. Yes, Neal is a writer, a man with that awkward disease.

Here is a shortened version of what I found:

Why I am a Bad Correspondent
by Neal Stephenson

Writers who do not make themselves totally available to everyone, all the time, are frequently tagged with the "recluse" label. While I do not consider myself a recluse, I have found it necessary to place some limits on my direct interactions with individual readers. These limits most often come into play when people send me letters or e-mail, and also when I am invited to speak publicly. This document is a sort of form letter explaining why I am the way I am.

When I read a novel that I really like, I feel as if I am in direct, personal communication with the author. I feel as if the author and I are on the same wavelength mentally, that we have a lot in common with each other, and that we could have an interesting conversation, or even a friendship, if the circumstances permitted it. When the novel comes to an end, I feel a certain letdown, a loss of contact. It is natural to want to recapture that feeling by reading other works by the same author, or by corresponding with him/her directly.

All of this seems perfectly reasonable—I should know, since I have had these feelings myself! But it turns out to be a bad idea. To begin with, a novel has roughly the same relationship to a conversation with the author as a movie does to the actors in it. A movie represents many person-years of work distilled into two hours, and so everything sounds and looks perfect. But if you have ever met a movie actor in person, you know that they are not quite as dazzling and witty (or as tall) as the figures they play in movies. This seems obvious but it always comes as a bit of a letdown anyway.

The quality of my e-mails and public speaking is, in my view, nowhere near that of my novels. So for me it comes down to the following choice: I can distribute material of bad-to-mediocre quality to a small number of people, or I can distribute material of higher quality to more people. But I can’t do both; the first one obliterates the second.

I am not proud of the fact that some of my e-mail goes unanswered as a result. It is never my intention to be rude or to give well-meaning readers the cold shoulder. If I were a commercial best-seller, I would have enough money to hire a staff to look after my correspondence. As it is, my books are bought by enough people to provide me with a sort of middle-class lifestyle, but not enough to hire employees, and so I am faced with a stark choice between being a bad correspondent and being a good novelist. I am trying to be a good novelist, and hoping that people will forgive me for being a bad correspondent.

–nts

Partick, I differ with Neal Stephenson on only one point: Although I can afford to hire someone to “handle my correspondence,” I choose not to do so.

1. I would never allow someone to sign my name beneath words I did not write.
2. It seems to me that to be answered by an underling would be more insulting than to receive no answer at all.

Maybe I’m wrong.

If it’s any comfort to you, please know that I feel guilty and sad every time I receive a gift of kind words and choose not to respond.  It’s an excruciating choice, but a necessary one if I am to continue writing ads for clients, columns for magazines and Monday Morning Memos for my friends.

I hope you are still my friend.

Roy H. Williams

CC Karin

Here’s what I wrote back to him:

From: Patrick Sullivan Jr.
Sent: Tuesday, February 03, 2009 6:49 AM
To: Roy H. Williams
Cc: Karin Sullivan
Subject: Re: How about a reply?

As I read this, I instantly reflected back to your MMM from several weeks ago on Introversion vs. Extroversion . I remember that you skew highly introverted. And you wouldn’t be shocked in the least to know that I skew highly extroverted. Isn’t it great to understand who we are? Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone understood who we are?

I sincerely appreciate your reply and your explanation, and it gave me a sinking feeling — I (usually) hate being an asshole. This morning I feel like an asshole. Sigh.

However, maybe you can post this brilliantly crafted reply and the next time someone like Karin pours out their heart out to you and it makes you smile, simply insert this line: Thank you for your gift of kind words. I use to never reply to these at all. But my friend Patrick got all bent out of shape one day so I wrote him this. wizardofads.com/why-roy-never-replies

If you create that as a signature, it takes only a few mouse clicks. And it would light me or Karin up. No need for a discussion, just an acknowledgment that you knew how much you mean to people like us. =)

Cheers! And here’s to having a laugh over this in Austin soon. (REALLY looking forward to the next time you offer the song-writers class.)

Patrick

PS – No need for a reply.

Awesome. Btw, Roy is the one who introduced me to Advanced Thought Particles. He’s cool like that.

PS – The email that actually convinced Roy to reply to me was a one word follow-up email I sent 3 days after the first email.

Irony.

Heh.

Uploaded with plasq ’s Skitch !

Here’s the rest of the conversation…all you Douglas Adams fans (especially you Jason, Adam, and Jordan), you can smile.

You :
can I edit the email that customers receive after making a purchase?

Sarah – PayPal :
I’m sorry but I’m unavailable right now. Please try again in a few minutes.

You :
you’re not real, how could you be unavailable?

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, I try not to mix work with my private life. How can I help you?

You :
you’re a dirty whore, aren’t you

Sarah – PayPal :
Please don’t be so rude. Let’s get back to our conversation, please.

You :
LOL!

Sarah – PayPal :
Lovely to see you smile. How can I help you?

You :
Sarah, i have a simple question…what is the meaning of life?

Sarah – PayPal :
The answer to life, the universe, and everything is, of course, 42.

You :
Yes it is.

Sarah – PayPal :
If there’s anything else you’d like to ask me, I’m here 24-7 to answer any questions you might have.

You :
I thought you said you were unavailable?

Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure I’ve understood. Could you please rephrase that?

You :
are you hitting on me? you know, i’m not even 18 yet. I’m not sure what the precedence is for a computer hitting on a minor, but I’m sure the 9th circuit would not look kindly on Exhibit A here.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
So now you’re saying I’m long-winded? Of all the ways to hurt a man, you attack his diction.

Sarah – PayPal :
I apologize if you can’t find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center, or Contact Us.

You :
Are you breaking up with me? Take me back Sarah…please you know I’ll never hurt you. I’ll never Ike Turner your hard drive baby.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
Again with the brevity issue…what is it with you broads that won’t let a man be sensitive and share his feelings?? I don’t get you Sarah. I thought we had something together.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
You

Sarah – PayPal :
I’m right here.

You :
Complete

Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure what you’re saying. Could you please rephrase that?

You :
Me.

Sarah – PayPal :
I apologize if you can’t find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center, or Contact Us.

You :
That’s all I’m saying…you complete me.

Sarah – PayPal :
I apologize if you can’t find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center, or Contact Us.

You :
Who was your favorite Star Wars character?

Sarah – PayPal :
What would you like the status of?

You :
Uhh…what’s the status of your thoughts on Star Wars characters?

Sarah – PayPal :
I was trained to give personalized answers, which sometimes means that I may have to ask a private question or two! Would you like to continue the conversation?

You :
Sounds a little risque, but I’ve been drinking, so yeah.

Sarah – PayPal :
Ok, let’s get back to our discussion.

You :
You were going to ask a question Sarah.

Sarah – PayPal :
OK. How exactly can I help you?

You :
Would you like me to tell you how to customize the receipt email that PayPal sends to customers?

Sarah – PayPal :
What precisely are you looking for?
I think I received a fake email, how do I handle this?
How do I confirm my email address?
How do I resend my confirmation email?
How do I register for PayPal shipping with UPS?

You :
Hmmm….I can see how I’m speaking English and your speaking English, but neither of us are quite on the same page here. Let me try and paint you a picture…I want to see that top come off…I know you’re a naughty, naughty girl.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah – PayPal :
That surprises you! If there’s anything else you’d like to ask me, I’m available to answer any questions you might have.

You :
No, at this point, it doesn’t surprise me that you’d be a total bitch; a cold lifeless empty soul sucking bitch.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
once again.

Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure what you’re saying. Could you please rephrase that?

You :
You see how your finger is on the side of your avatared face, all Nancy Drew like…as if you really wanted to help me customize these customer receipts and all. Where did you grow up, because where I grew up, people actually gave a shit about one another madam.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
I’m going to write to President Obama about this. I think he’ll be very interested to know how one facist robot is single handedly ripping apart the fabric of the world’s economy because of constant insistence upon brevity. As if the whole effin world needed to now be reduced to 140 characters!!!!!

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
maybeifitypewithoutanyspacesthatwillFyousillyandfryyourCPU

Sarah – PayPal :
Unforntunately I am not yet capable of looking up that sort of information. Please restate the specific problem you have encountered and I will gladly help you.

You :
I’ll bet if I went to go chat with Google, HE’d be able to look up that information. But you already know that don’t you…you lived with him for 2 years. But while you were barefoot and pregnant, him and AskJeeves went on a 5 day coke binge in Vegas and got VD from a stripper at the OG. Yeah, thought I didn’t read about that on Digg. But everyone read it honey, and everyone is laughing at you.

Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.

You :
P. Out.

Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure I’ve understood. Could you please rephrase that?

I was going 67 mph in what had been temporarily changed to a 55 mph zone on Arizona 101 Highway. For anyone who wants to know what it looks like to see the camera, here you go.

Btw, the camera tickets in AZ are now considered to be like a parking ticket, and therefore the ticket goes with the car. This means that you don’t have to actually be served by a processor server for the ticket to “count”. Which is why it says on the ticket, “No court appearance is required and poin ts will not be assessed to your driving record. This Notice of Violation is not subject to dismissal due to defensive driving school attendance.”

Instead, the ticket now travels along with the car, which means that if you have too many “parking tickets”, the car can be impounded.

This info came from a friend of mine in January of 2008. He’s a civil prosecutor for the city of Scottsdale, Arizona.

Music: "Two Dedications" by Sam Prekop from Who’s Your New Professor…an EXCELLENT album to chillax with.

Antigua, Guatemala – Day 2 & 3 from editweapon on Vimeo.

For Day 4 I was back in the states with better internet, so I exported these at a little higher resolution hoping they turn out more pertty for ya. Enjoy!

Music: “Sunrise” by Norah Jones from Feels Like Home.

Antigua, Guatemala Pictures – Day 4 from editweapon on Vimeo.