Why I hate talking to robots that know the secret to life
BY Editweapon @ January 30, 2009
File this one under things I didn’t expect to see on a Friday night. Start reading my conversation with Sarah the PayPal Customer Service Robot in the window, then keep going…
Here’s the rest of the conversation…all you Douglas Adams fans (especially you Jason, Adam, and Jordan), you can smile.
You :
can I edit the email that customers receive after making a purchase?
Sarah – PayPal :
I’m sorry but I’m unavailable right now. Please try again in a few minutes.
You :
you’re not real, how could you be unavailable?
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, I try not to mix work with my private life. How can I help you?
You :
you’re a dirty whore, aren’t you
Sarah – PayPal :
Please don’t be so rude. Let’s get back to our conversation, please.
You :
LOL!
Sarah – PayPal :
Lovely to see you smile. How can I help you?
You :
Sarah, i have a simple question…what is the meaning of life?
Sarah – PayPal :
The answer to life, the universe, and everything is, of course, 42.
You :
Yes it is.
Sarah – PayPal :
If there’s anything else you’d like to ask me, I’m here 24-7 to answer any questions you might have.
You :
I thought you said you were unavailable?
Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure I’ve understood. Could you please rephrase that?
You :
are you hitting on me? you know, i’m not even 18 yet. I’m not sure what the precedence is for a computer hitting on a minor, but I’m sure the 9th circuit would not look kindly on Exhibit A here.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
So now you’re saying I’m long-winded? Of all the ways to hurt a man, you attack his diction.
Sarah – PayPal :
I apologize if you can’t find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center, or Contact Us.
You :
Are you breaking up with me? Take me back Sarah…please you know I’ll never hurt you. I’ll never Ike Turner your hard drive baby.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
Again with the brevity issue…what is it with you broads that won’t let a man be sensitive and share his feelings?? I don’t get you Sarah. I thought we had something together.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
You
Sarah – PayPal :
I’m right here.
You :
Complete
Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure what you’re saying. Could you please rephrase that?
You :
Me.
Sarah – PayPal :
I apologize if you can’t find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center, or Contact Us.
You :
That’s all I’m saying…you complete me.
Sarah – PayPal :
I apologize if you can’t find the information you seek by speaking with me. Please enter a new question, visit the Help Center, or Contact Us.
You :
Who was your favorite Star Wars character?
Sarah – PayPal :
What would you like the status of?
You :
Uhh…what’s the status of your thoughts on Star Wars characters?
Sarah – PayPal :
I was trained to give personalized answers, which sometimes means that I may have to ask a private question or two! Would you like to continue the conversation?
You :
Sounds a little risque, but I’ve been drinking, so yeah.
Sarah – PayPal :
Ok, let’s get back to our discussion.
You :
You were going to ask a question Sarah.
Sarah – PayPal :
OK. How exactly can I help you?
You :
Would you like me to tell you how to customize the receipt email that PayPal sends to customers?
Sarah – PayPal :
What precisely are you looking for?
I think I received a fake email, how do I handle this?
How do I confirm my email address?
How do I resend my confirmation email?
How do I register for PayPal shipping with UPS?
You :
Hmmm….I can see how I’m speaking English and your speaking English, but neither of us are quite on the same page here. Let me try and paint you a picture…I want to see that top come off…I know you’re a naughty, naughty girl.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah – PayPal :
That surprises you! If there’s anything else you’d like to ask me, I’m available to answer any questions you might have.
You :
No, at this point, it doesn’t surprise me that you’d be a total bitch; a cold lifeless empty soul sucking bitch.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
once again.
Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure what you’re saying. Could you please rephrase that?
You :
You see how your finger is on the side of your avatared face, all Nancy Drew like…as if you really wanted to help me customize these customer receipts and all. Where did you grow up, because where I grew up, people actually gave a shit about one another madam.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
I’m going to write to President Obama about this. I think he’ll be very interested to know how one facist robot is single handedly ripping apart the fabric of the world’s economy because of constant insistence upon brevity. As if the whole effin world needed to now be reduced to 140 characters!!!!!
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
maybeifitypewithoutanyspacesthatwillFyousillyandfryyourCPU
Sarah – PayPal :
Unforntunately I am not yet capable of looking up that sort of information. Please restate the specific problem you have encountered and I will gladly help you.
You :
I’ll bet if I went to go chat with Google, HE’d be able to look up that information. But you already know that don’t you…you lived with him for 2 years. But while you were barefoot and pregnant, him and AskJeeves went on a 5 day coke binge in Vegas and got VD from a stripper at the OG. Yeah, thought I didn’t read about that on Digg. But everyone read it honey, and everyone is laughing at you.
Sarah – PayPal :
Sorry, but your phrase is too long and I will not be able to perform a full analysis. I would be very grateful if you could try to make it a bit shorter and more concise.
You :
P. Out.
Sarah – PayPal :
I’m not sure I’ve understood. Could you please rephrase that?
Popularity: 52% [?]
Hilarious!
Awesome!
Haha. Funny.
You know the rest of us tend to seek out actual humans to spend our nights speaking to.
I’m at a loss for words. But I did get a good chuckle reading it. Thanks for posting.
P.S. I came to your site looking for an actual term. What is a person called that works with software companies to design/redesign the user interface of an application?
For some reason at 3:30 in the morning that term has completely evacuated my mind and it wont return.
For those that care, I’m still trying to solve this problem. Here’s what I just submitted to PayPal customer service.
Exactly how much were you drinking?
Enough.
Try the same with http://www.elbot.com almost passed the Turing Test.
Sorry , I thought Elbot was better. http://www.Jabberwacky.com is much better, I think they sometimes link up humans, who both think they are talking to a computer, just to fry your brain.
Here’s a transcript of a conversation with Sarah when you curse at her. She recognizes four-letter words (at least)! http://mylistofdonts.blogspot.com/2009/04/131-dont-have-encouraged-customers-to.html